I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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