We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
