I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize