His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
