like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
