then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
