Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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