i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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