No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I won the penis lottery.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
