I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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