I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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