And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize