No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize