My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
