If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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