What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i need some magic done to my vagina
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
