I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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