my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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