he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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