if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
