shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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