he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
