imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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