i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
