Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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