You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
