My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
