Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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