If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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