Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
