i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i came on her dog
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
