I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
