I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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