this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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