What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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