planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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