I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
