God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
