Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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