Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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