So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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