Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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