I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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