I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
