Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
