the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
