Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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