did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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