then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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