I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
