He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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