I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
