Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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