I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
