I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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