I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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