So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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