My balls are so social today.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
