we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize