Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
