You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
