my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
