Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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