Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she woke up with a sticky ear
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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