I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize