Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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