Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
