Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
