i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
PANTIES FOUND
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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