the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
