i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
